How can you apply "think before you speak" if it isn't feasible to pause for 15 seconds between every sentence you say mid conversation????
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I always say that thinking before speaking is a bit like wiping before going number two.
Maybe that's why I don't have any friends.
If we have a toilet paper shortage, I’m blaming you. lol
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I get that I am truly a horrible person, truly. I struggle with that every day. I did try to apologize to my coworker in that instance, but they were not at all receptive to it. Usually the things that I say that get reactions like that are much more innocuous...like letting coworker 2 know that they can leave early (we are salaried and still get a full days pay if we leave early).
But no, coworker 1 is on a level that is difficult for me to describe. Coworker 1 causes issues with almost everyone they come in contact with including the leaders of many different departments. It has been so bad with coworker 1 that they have made me think that I was going to get fired and/or made me want to quit my job. Coworker 1 has had multiple complaints filed against them to HR by multiple different people. To my knowledge, that has not occurred on my end at all.
So coworker 1 is a bit dangerous to interact with, hence many of us do so minimally.
Look, communicating awkwardly doesn't make you a horrible person. I think part of it is you have a confidence problem. It sounds like you always cowtow to your coworkers' reactions, even going so far as apologizing when you haven't objectively done anything wrong (your responses don't seem that weird, but maybe it is the way you say things). It seems odd to me that anyone would be offended by an offer to go home early, unless you're making it seem like you specifically don't want them to be around.
At the end of the day, your coworkers are just people with their own issues and imperfections. They are probably not experts at communication either, so don't treat them as such. I would not take any social cues from coworker 1.
You may not be able to change the dynamic at work, so my advice is to find a way to socialize outside of work (with people who actually like & respect you!). That way you won't have to rely on your workplace for those needs.
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It is significantly more acceptable to slow down and stop talking than a lot of people think
I'm fighting the same battle, because I am in a quasi-leadership role now, and I have to say the examples of positivity and optimism, when my instinctive reactions to most things are rolling my eyes and sighing because "Ugh, not this shit again." Is going to be an uphill battle. The funny part is, I'm never actually upset. The more problems get thrown my way, the more excited I get to solve them. Unfortunately I have this very odd habit of presenting my excitement in a way that everyone else in the world understands to be frustration and negativity.
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I can't tell if this is sarcastic or genuine.
I apologize if anything came off as sarcastic! I am being very serious in my questions. I don't really understand how any of this works. I have been reading the replies but it's tricky to respond to them all.
With the friend thing, there are a lot of philosophies people have about work. Some people believe I shouldn't speak and should only work all day, while others seem to prefer to chat once in a while. For me, it's difficult for me to know the most correct way to act in terms of these two philosophies. It seems like a lot of peopl would like the former...that I should speak minimally and just do my work. I struggle with the former philosophy because you spend most of your waking hours working, so I would like to get some enjoyment out of it. But that is wrong, no?
And like the person who I had considered to be a friend. They have a busy life outside of work so it's wrong to bother them, correct?
The person who I had considered to be a friend sometimes likes to talk about serious topics. But I am not really sure what to do when that comes up because I at times give the wrong answers. I know a lot about their beliefs. We have different ones and usually that's perfectly ok argue or anything.
If someone is full of shit at work, I'd just nod and smile. Unless there's something to be gained by calling them out, I'd just note that they are uninformed on that topic and move on.
They weren't actually full of shit...they are just super fit and don't realize that they are a bit outside the norm.
So one of the things I've noticed is that I slipped up like this because it was in the middle of a flowing conversation. I didn't stop to realize that I was about to say the wrong thing because we were having a lot of back and forth lighthearted chatting. That's why I've brought up this topic to begin with tbh. Of I am not in a flowing conversation, it's easier for me to pause and think before a response. When I am in a conversation I fuck up. I don't know anyone who pauses between each sentence even utilizing this "think before you speak" attitude, so I'd like to find out how to implement it in a better way. Idk.
I do appreciate your time.
Hey, thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm enjoying this because it gives me a chance to understand my own beliefs. And it's fun to spout off.
Some people believe I shouldn't speak and should only work all day, while others seem to prefer to chat once in a while. For me, it's difficult for me to know the most correct way to act in terms of these two philosophies.
There's no correct answer here. You've expressed a preference for chatting, so let's support that.
We have different [beliefs] and usually that's perfectly ok and I we don't really argue or anything. But sometimes I still do it wrong or say something with too much emotion in my voice or something.
Occasional or friendly disagreement is fine, so long as it doesn't poison the relationship.
Could you pause before replying to sort out your feelings? If you're concerned that you have too much emotion in your voice, that could give you time to notice your emotional state and dial it down. You could even turn the disagreement into more of a joke or quip rather than something heartfelt.
You can use your pause as part of the conversation. Give a thoughtful "huh" or maybe start with a throw away phrase of "I hadn't thought about that" and then pause.
Some people are in a hurry to say their piece - they really wanna get their thought or idea in. In my experience, it's helpful not to do that. It's difficult though.
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The smartest people I've ever met pause for at least five seconds before answering direct questions. Some for much longer. There's a Supreme Court justice who I'm told pauses for like 25 seconds or more anytime she's asked a question.
I can be like this sometimes, but I normally try to let people know that the dogs are whirring.
- Hmm, good question...let me think...
- How can I put this?
- What's the phrase I'm looking for?
I'll especially do this if I'm speaking to people whose first language is something else, as I'll want to answer the question without resorting to idioms or slang. No point telling a Frenchman that the situation is a bit of a dog and pony show.
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Lemmy, I have a problem. I fuck up social interactions incredibly frequently, far more often and severely than others do.
I will be speaking what I feel is casually and consistently, and the person I am speaking with will suddenly have a significant change in their demeanor and speech. It both makes me feel bad that they react this way and frustrated me that I made an incorrect interaction.
This doesn't really occur with people I don't know well. Rather, it occurs with the people I spend the most time with...my coworkers. I am forced to interact with them all day due to my specific job. With one of them, I would consider them to be my only friend.
I have noticed that they all have specific unspoken "triggers" of speech or behavior that I need to minimize or hide when in front of them. But there are always instances where I cannot recognize a pattern. And even when I can kind of figure out a pattern, I sometimes fail to implement it.
You know the phrase, "think before you speak" right? But how the hell does one apply that to large swaths of conversations that occur all day long? It would be incredibly jarring and odd for me to make large pauses between each and every sentence I make. Is there a better shortcut to this?
Here are some examples of "off limits" speech/behavior patterns that I have noticed among various people:
Coworker 1 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), making a workplace error, anxious body language (this one is particularly difficult)
Coworker 2 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), statements that are too negative, offering to let them leave work early
Coworker 3 - statements that are too negative, mentioning my dad, statements that may give them too much anxiety (sometimes difficult to discern), talking about coworker 1 too much in a negative way (even tho we both think coworker 1 is a bitch)
Yes, there is some overlap among them, but they still have a lot of differences that are difficult for me to discern.
I mean, I guess the "easiest" solution would to try to never talk again outside of any speech that is immediately necessary to do my job. But it is tricky to do and a bit depressing.
Would appreciate some guidance. Sorry for the long post and thanks if you stuck around this far!
It's called empathy. Their words and actions obviously have an effect on you, so it shouldn't be surprising that the opposite is true as well. Reading people and their moods inform this and help you predict how they might react in the moment.
I suspect most of what you're talking about is about timing. Taking a jovial mood and injecting serious topics without warning will piss people off. You're killing the mood. "Don't be so negative" sounds to me like you're not reading the room. Let people enjoy those times. If you need to raise a serious subject with someone - a deft "now's not the time, but I'd like to talk about something" allows them to finish up, switch gears, and then have a more serious discussion.
The same goes the other way. Injecting jokes in a serious discussion can cause problems too.
The whole thing is like merging into traffic. You have to match the pace of the traffic flow. Too fast or too slow causes pile-ups.
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Yes, they accuse me of "overthinking" things a lot on general. But they don't realize that I have to do this in order to try to do things more correctly. Lack of enough thought is what gets me into these kinds of situations, you know?
I'm definitely not imagining most of these. If everyone is happily smiling and chatting away, and then I make a mistake which causes a sudden change in facial expression, curt response, and the sudden end of a flowing conversation, then it's not my imagination.
Give me an example of what you said.
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No, I don't currently pause between each sentence. Usually conversation flows quite smoothly. But it flows until I make a grave error and then it shuts down catastrophically. My question was saying "how can I think before I speak" because pausing after each sentence would be incredibly jarring and not work with conversational flow if that makes sense.
Coworker 3 has occasionally asked that out of genuine concern when I have been having a bad time. But it's a trick question because I'm not supposed to respond that I am having a bad time. It is the incorrect response and will make them upset, even if they tell me that I can be honest. It's very confusing because coworker 3 will occasionally tell me that it's ok to come to them with things, but the reality is that isn't true. If I do that, it makes them upset. So one of the biggest things is that I have worked to not tell coworker 3 when something is bothering me and not share feelings like this with them. But it is confusing when they do things that indicate that it's ok and welcomed for me to do so when it isn't. They say one thing but I am supposed to act in a way that is discordant with what they indicate, which is confusing.
It could be the case that coworker 3 wants to help you, but is unable to, and that makes them feel really bad. And I think that talking about serious topics with too much emotion can be off-putting for a discussion. And can communicate the heightened level of emotion you're displaying.
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Well yyeah so I kind of wrote the post in a detached manner because I am trying to mechanically optimize conversation. Doing things organically doesn't work out for me even though my heart is in the right place and I just want to get along with people and for us to be happy.
I'm 30. People telling me that things will work out once you get to know people better do not at all understand that I have spent many many years doing this and yet I still fail horribly multiple times per week. I'm not some teen with a still developing brain. This is the way I am and I want to figure out how to improve and be more correct in my interactions. If it hasn't organically happened in 30 years, it's not going to organically happen now.
I have just never been skilled in that manner. So I would like to try to break it down into a more logical way where I could actually work on it. All too often I get frustrated that no one has written a guidebook on every facet of human interaction.
Social skills, as the name implies, are meant to be trained, maintained, and expanded over a lifetime so don't discount yourself because you feel like you're too old or have tried and failed for too long. Have you considered seeking behavioral therapy? Perhaps you're not picking up on the myriad non-verbal social cues that could help you better inform your conversations. Behavioral therapy can help identify where you're lacking and give you the opportunity to practice skills and receive feedback from a professional.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
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It is significantly more acceptable to slow down and stop talking than a lot of people think
It's also a lot less noticeable than it seems in your head when you pause. Taking that extra minute to edit a sentence in your head adds pauses that can also help to draw in people listening.
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