Middle Aged Folks with no social group: How do you do it?

[email protected]

I don't live rural and I imagine the conservative bent makes the trans femmeness that much harder.

One thing I haven't seen here though is volunteering. Doing good with other people is a pretty way to get to know people.

In my province, our rural areas practically beg people to volunteer as firefighters (for us, rural generally means the woods) and from every chat I've had with someone doing that, it seems very social.

If there are any Democrat offices etc, they love volunteers.

Hope those kinda help? Good luck!

[email protected]

Active disdain for everyone except my family

[email protected]

if you keep showing up to the same cafe, perhaps youll get conversing with staff before you open the book. every lil bit helps.

[email protected]

I had a shitty abusive childhood with zero social contact, so I never really learned how to have friends, or thus how to need or really derive much fulfilment from them; all my emotional needs and regulation had to come from within, and I am the part of a person that's left when all the bits that can't survive that are gone.

I got out of there eventually, but by that time it had kind of grown over; I eventually learned to be (slightly) social, but honestly it's a bunch of work for empty calories; I can spend the whole weekend's time/energy/spoons on some group activity but don't get to recharge and it's like not getting a weekend at all.

so in answer to your question I do a lot of hiking.

[email protected]

For the lighter stuff, you should check out VRChat. It’s a mess of a place, but it also has a bunch of people who are in your position, and finding community.

I know that’s a weird one, it’s not for everyone, and I don’t mean to make assumptions. If you’re on Lemmy, you probally already have an opinion about VR/all that.

[email protected]

Book clubs are the way here. Many have a theme, which can help one determine the type of people likely to be in the club.

[email protected]

If you're a reader, find a book club/discussion group. Also, check your local public library for any group activities that may interest you.

[email protected]

While, I don't go to them, my local comic book shop does nightly events on rotation across multiple CCGs (MtG, Pokemon TCG, Lorcana) Tabletop night and a board game night. Also another good option if there is a comic book store in your area.

[email protected]

I'm in my 40's, and I guess, I don't feel the need for others because I managed to complete my bucket list in my 20's and 30's, and now I can just kind of enjoy my peace and quiet.

I read a lot of books and sip a lot of wine, and I just enjoy it.

[email protected]

I'm going to skip over the "find a hobby that gets you outside the house" because I assume you will have thought of this and/or others will elaborate in the comments.

So my attempt at novel advice is not to sleep on online relationships. If your rural community is too small to support a group in your niche interest, find a group online. Be active in the group, asking and contributing, joining and volunteering. You may find it's still 100:1 people you interact with to people you form any sort of lasting relationship with, but that's not really any different than IRL.

One of my sister's longest lasting friendships is with someone she met playing an online Horse Girl^TM game in the 00s. The game has been defunct for a decade, but they stayed friends. They only met in person for the first time when the friend was getting married. You never know when our weirdness vibes with someone else's weird; it's a beautiful thing. She values that online-origin friendship just as much as any IRL-origin friendship.

[email protected]

It ain’t easy. I’ve found this quote from CS Lewis to be true

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”

In other words, friendships are often about or around something. Work friends. Gaming friends. Etc. it’s 100000x easier to talk about something with a stranger and allow more personal things to trickle in.

I was just at PAX West and was waiting in line for an hour. The guy in front of me cracked a joke and I laughed and played along. I asked him if he attended cons a lot. Which led to ones he’d been to and favorite ones which led to the developers who had the best booths to favorite games to favorite movies. We chatted for an hour about stuff we liked. We had lots of similar interests in gaming, movies, etc.

This is where you need to have some interests to talk about and if you don’t, then you need to find some. Hiking, gaming, puzzles, whatever.

Don’t discount online friends too. Find a discord about something you like and just start participating

[email protected]

Wife is basically disabled. When she goes I'll probably do the same. Happiness is hard to find in this USA of today.

[email protected]

It's easy, I hate most people.

Seriously though, social stuff never interested me. Leave me alone with my books, my tech, and my cats. Don't really need anything else.

I make an exception for family, and cooking, and stuff like that, but in general? I'm happy to stay at home.

[email protected]

You have work colleagues? Have you tried making friends with any of them?

Have you tried doing anything to make friends in any capacity? Friends don’t just drop in your lap while you sit at home.

Also when you say your family and friends all disowned you, was there perhaps also an element of you disowning them over ideological disagreements even if some of them still wanted to remain friends?

[email protected]

moving is not an option for me at this time or anytime soon.

How come?

[email protected]

Yeah it’s completely normal, especially because most people this age have multiple kids that take up most of their free time. People move, change jobs, die, etc and also just don’t have the time to maintain many friendships. It’s normal.

According to most studies the majority of adults have between 1-4 close friends. If you don’t make friends with workmates, even if they’re just “workday friends”, you’ve basically got a few hours on Saturday and Sunday to develop and maintain friendships, and it’s hard when everyone has commitments.

[email protected]

I shitpost comments all over Lemmy whenever I feel lonely.

[email protected]

As you get less time you quickly learn to stop inviting people like that, as it’s not worth your time chasing them. If they want to see you they will reach out and make the effort. If they don’t then you have your answer.

[email protected]

What about feelings? Shared values? Sadness over loved ones' who have passed? Worry about the destiny of humanity? Don't we already share a lot simply as human beings?

[email protected]

My husband and I (M), in our mid 40s, feel the same. We used to have tons of friends in our 20s and 30s but they've all gone everywhichway and we can't seem to make any new friendships stick. They all die on the vine at good acquaintance. It's not for lack of trying. And WE live in a city! Anyway, all this to say: it's not just you. I think society has changed its social bonding. I suspect we have shifted dramatically during the pandemic and outer relationships aren't an interest to general society anymore. We put in our effort and have good social interactions with others but we seem to be the only ones trying. I don't know how this will help, except: you're not alone?

agnos.is Forums

Middle Aged Folks with no social group: How do you do it?