How to rebalance, imbalanced effort in a heterosexual relationship?
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I totally agree with this overall statement. He's very sharp and focused she's very flowing sort of lazier, don't care as much.
Fundamentally there's differences but part of what I see or understand from him talking it out with me was that rather than having this type of structure that's needed it's almost as if she is defensive so he's defensive and then it sort of kept going like this for a long long time and thus has escalated into deeper rifting issues. Structure is what's needed
I'm going to show him this and some other replies and I really think this post was constructive and helpful. Due to the cultural and social dynamics of Lemmy some points have been brought up that we never considered. As enshittified as the internet/world has become and the fediverse isn't perfect there's some real genuine reactions like the old forum days.
No one teaches you how to have a relationship. So people just kind of default into patterns that are often toxic.
It's why taking a step back and being deliberate about how to communicate is so important. There needs to be a shared understanding and deliberateness about how to intentionally communicate.
And it needs to be something that applies equally to everyone involved. No copouts, no special circumstances that only go one way, there need to be firm, hard rules with specific consequences that apply evenly to all involved that are arrived at communally, and not unilaterally.
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It's often tempting to say "this X is screwed, let's start all over again". But deep relationships are not formed that way.
Between any people, there will be points of tension, and if this calls you to quit, you risk never to get to the point of stable long-lasting relationships.
May it be that they need to break up? Yes. Does it have to be? No.
Seems to me the forming of a deep relationship is not possible if one of the two does not wish to put in the energy required
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I saw your edit and I’m honestly impressed with the positive shift toward healthy communication and planning to take action on her part.
The letter writing was a good idea, and I read the other replies about him giving distance to her. As for the suggestion of her possibly having autism, I think that’s on her to figure out through her doctor. I wouldn’t outright tell her that.
After a week of writing letters, maybe they could transition to having daily talks about anything on each other’s minds. And being sure to ask “why?”, because some people listen well but never ask questions. It helps both people. Other than that, so long as she carries through with getting to the doctor and communication keeps strong, things will likely work out fine. Definitely make a new post if there’s any huge updates on this
Neither of us mentioned any autism or anything, that wasn't for he nor I to discuss really. I'd leave that for the medical professionals. That being said she is willing to talk to her doctor about the anxiety and severe depression. I'm glad to see that they are going to take the week as individuals to really encompass their thoughts, feelings, kind of a tell all, no hold backs, no judgements type single written letter over the entire week then they planned to get together next weekend and read them to each other out loud and discuss in hopefully a sensible manner.
I think that's a big win considering they were at each others throats when it came to talking about anything past casual banter. Basically they weren't talking for weeks hardly at this point months even. It is really a good example of both sides understanding the serious nature and the time for clear concise communication to set a better path hopefully moving forward. He told her that this is make or break and not to instill stress but to show where he's at ahead of the letters so both parties know the nature and that it's not a gimmick.
They have done these discussions in the past. My only concern I've seen from them or heard rather is that she has a tendency to fall back into old patterns extremely easily and to not stick with the plan but he made a list several excercises and therapy sessions to try privately amongst themselves that promote trust, empathy, even going as far as positive reinforcements.
My only concern is the follow through and if they both don't approach and commit then I see it best to simply part ways on good terms. Before the burned bridge aspect then things get dramatic and sometimes nasty. Nobody wants that.
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That sounds like a start. I wish them both the best of luck.
I know. The response from fellow Lemminites has been pretty spectacular overall. Definitely helped to gain ideas and to gain a different perspective from the outside. I hope it works out for them. Time will tell. Thanks for participating!
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Autism presents very differently from one person to the next. Most of the literature so far has been on young boys, so there's a very poor understanding among most mental health professionals and the general population on how it looks in adult men, let alone women. On top of that, women tend to be much better at hiding it.
As for coping mechanisms, I can't give specific examples since, as you say, everyone is different. This is especially true for autism since there's such a wide range of special interests, sensory sensitivities/preferences, etc. that you can easily find two people where the good and bad categories are complete opposites. You'll often hear advice such as "engage in your special interest" (assuming one exists), "stick to your comfort foods", or "minimize masking". These are very broad suggestions, but it's the best we can give. There's a lot of work involved in figuring out what that means for you. For sensory preferences, there are resources online that list different things to consider. Look up "sensory preferences checklist" to find them. For masking, you'll have to learn what is and isn't masking. That involves understanding how non-autistic people think, what they're capable of doing without thinking, then comparing it against the amount of effort you put into doing the same thing. For example, neurotypicals don't need to think about what facial expressions to make because their faces just naturally do the thing in accordance to their emotional state. If you find that you need to consciously think about what face to make based on how you feel, then that's masking and would be a contributing factor to the constant exhaustion.
I did a little research for my own understanding and there's a lot to this. It's very personal preference of sorts. While I don't think I have autism personally, I hate visual noise, clutter, things need to be symmetrical and slight OCD. So I think there is learning for everyone can be had!
I believe the coping mechanisms can be improved. Just because something doesn't directly apply doesn't mean you can't benefit from the advice. I do exactly what you described above constantly. Having to think about what and how to react for facial expressions and body language. That is tiring mentally analyzing all the time. Like being stuck in a certain mode.
I emplore everyone to do a little research into some of the aspects you pointed out above to explore those topics. Whether your autistic or not these principles and strategies could help nearly anyone to dial in there focus and mind.
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No one teaches you how to have a relationship. So people just kind of default into patterns that are often toxic.
It's why taking a step back and being deliberate about how to communicate is so important. There needs to be a shared understanding and deliberateness about how to intentionally communicate.
And it needs to be something that applies equally to everyone involved. No copouts, no special circumstances that only go one way, there need to be firm, hard rules with specific consequences that apply evenly to all involved that are arrived at communally, and not unilaterally.
I agree especially on the last couple paragraphs. She has a tendency to not stick with things and has very low self discipline, accountability, and general drive to do anything. Maybe even esteem issues.
But I'm just hoping that what their trying to convey and share in a safe setting will change the course atleast to a more healthy dynamic because they both seem honestly beyond burned out. I see this as make or break them. Beyond that if she gets to a doctor and they can try to treat her mental health depression and anxiety I think that will play a big factor.
Thanks for taking the time to reply and add your perspective. This is why we decided to make the post and just see how people with different values and backgrounds might have different input.
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I agree especially on the last couple paragraphs. She has a tendency to not stick with things and has very low self discipline, accountability, and general drive to do anything. Maybe even esteem issues.
But I'm just hoping that what their trying to convey and share in a safe setting will change the course atleast to a more healthy dynamic because they both seem honestly beyond burned out. I see this as make or break them. Beyond that if she gets to a doctor and they can try to treat her mental health depression and anxiety I think that will play a big factor.
Thanks for taking the time to reply and add your perspective. This is why we decided to make the post and just see how people with different values and backgrounds might have different input.
No problem.
I'll add one other thing: Others have mentioned couples therapy. This is a great idea. Even if the relationship is already over, worst case scenario is they both gain some insight into their own toxic behavioural patterns to make their next relationship better.
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A friend approached me confidently about realtionship advice and its a tough thing to address. What better place than to ask Lemmy given the broad scope of culture and more genuine reactions here. We figure what can it hurt.
A couple in my friend group have been together for 3 or 4 years who really seem to love each other looking in from the outside, are having some tension.
The lady doesn't input the same effort for planning life events, making any sort of weekend plans or after work activities. It's always the guy picking all the slack up and managing problems. Budgeting and making sure everything is in order. He cooks, does the cleaning, and generally does the relationship thinking as a whole. That is not to say there isn't some input from his partner, it seems she's very indecisive from how he describes when making plans or any sort of choices like where to eat or what to do during a problem of any magnitude, almost stress outburst behaviour from her. Defensive type lashing out against him.
He wants to know some advices on how to rebalance the effort scale and to generally improve the dynamic as she seems to be shutting him out according to him. It's always been imbalanced in effort since the beginning he said but they are good together. They want to make it work but the stress and tension is building to unhealthy levels from what I understand as in he's ready to break up. They don't fight really but there's some definite underlying issues, when he tries to talk about it or anything emotional derived she says things like she doesn't know, doesn't know how to explain the way she feels at all and says her mind is sort of blank and that is how he describes most of their deep talks. He described to me that their communication as he's a very involved communicator and she can go off and be unresponsive or completely not answer questions he asks like they don't exist.
There's tension between them she's snappy more often than not and deals with severe depression/anxiety. Hates her job. Is always in a negative mindset. While he is usually more upbeat and postive not bubbly but hopeful.
I've seen him have hard days and be tense and snarky as well who hasnt had a rough day? To me it just isnt like her where she always generally has smart comments towards anything. She's not what I would say is an uptight removed but almost anything can ruin her mood.
I'm likely missing some points here it's not my relationship nor am I good at these things but I'm trying so be easy on me here. The only thing I can tell is they genuinely seem to love each other. Sex life is imbalanced he has a high drive and her very low as in can go months then sometimes 1 to 4 times a month. They did get hormone testing but everything appears normal. Worth noting he said she sleeps excessively like after work all through the night most days. They no longer talk as much or text during the day. Where that used to be more common. He did mention she has a male coworker she works with daily that they are fairly close he is unsure of in-fidelity but they meet for work at his apartment every morning apparently it's easier since they share a work vehicle. I was told that he wanted to quit in a rush a few months ago and they had an argument because he was about to leave and she irrationally seemed to want to quit with him. At the very least their very emotionally tied. It may be nothing he said.
She told him she doesn't feel any different in the relationship for the way she views them when asked.
But just doesn't show attention anymore when he gets upset her response will be Boohoo or similar.
Personally I believe she's burned out and has anxiety on top of horrible depression but I have no real clue how to address that for them. It's such a personal topic.
Lemmy give them some of your best advices they used to be so full of life and laughter. Thank you all! If I missed anything or any specific questions just ask. We both are excited to see what comes of this.
This does sound like she has depression, and needs to address that before working on the relationship.
If it was not so obvious, I would have said she's checked out of the relationship, but reading the whole post, I don't think that's it, it's my re like she's just checked out of life in general, so I will hope she gets help and finds her energy and libido and joy again.
Then they can work out a schedule to balance the effort. Some of our "rules" are:
If I cook and you eat, you clean, and vice versa.
We make the bed together.
If the toilet paper runs out replace it!
If the dogs or cats need water, fill it!
Outdoors I do everything (garden, weeding, flowerbeds out front) except mowing and edging, husband does those.
I make all design decisions for the house because I have a better eye, husband makes all vacation plans because he's good at that.
I'm sure there's a million ways to set things up to leverage individual strengths and talents and still be balanced enough but none will work without commitment from both people, you do have to want it.
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Marriage is more than just "k well bye". I didn't see anything in there about counseling or trying to repair the relationship. I recommend trying something over nothing.
I thought about your reply and how my comment comes off, and I agree, they should try fixing things and counseling. Giving up should be the last resort. My bias is showing. My stance is directed at knowing when to get out of an abusive/controlling/one-sided relationship, but I don't know these people or have enough info to determine if that is really their situation.
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I thought about your reply and how my comment comes off, and I agree, they should try fixing things and counseling. Giving up should be the last resort. My bias is showing. My stance is directed at knowing when to get out of an abusive/controlling/one-sided relationship, but I don't know these people or have enough info to determine if that is really their situation.
That's fair, I think we're both right then
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