30M After divorce I got literally zero support from anyone, why?

[englishgrinn@lemmy.ca]

Hey man. Late to the party but I feel for you.

Listen, good friends, the lifelong ride or die types- are rarer than fucking diamonds. There are maybe two, maybe three people you meet like that in your whole life. If folks you thought were like that actually aren't, that sucks but it's not an indictment of you or your character. Its just the odds. Lots of people suck and go where the good times are, not where they are needed. And it doesn't mean you can't meet those diamond people later in life.

Suicide is often seen as an escape because people feel trapped in the "now". They can't see the future ahead of them. Well, let me tell you as someone was cheated on, got divorced, had a nervous breakdown, (9 months of meds, doctors and living with my parents) and built his life back brick by brick - new people, new town, new job- you have a future. I'm closer to 40 than 30 these days, and I'm telling you the pain fades. You have a future waiting, if you can get there.

My practical advice is limited. You're going to feel how you feel for as long as you need to. For me, it was more the shame than the heartbreak. I felt like everyone could see my "failure" stamped on my forehead. That was bullshit, but no amount of people telling me so reduced that feeling. But it is just a feeling. Being cheated on is not a character flaw. Being abused doesn't mean you deserved it. You've got to win the internal fight first - realize that feelings aren't always reflective of reality and pull out of the tail spin. How you feel is a distortion, and it can be modulated. You'll get there.

[bob_robertson_ix@discuss.tchncs.de]

Speaking from my experience, I get very overwhelmed with empathy when someone close to me is going through something as difficult as an illness, divorce or job loss. I want to be as supportive as possible, but also know that there's usually little to nothing that I can do, and then I get overwhelmed by the feelings of helplessness. I will let them know that I'm there for them if they need anything, and I will check in from time to time to see how they are doing, but I always find myself avoiding talking about the 'real issue'.

I know that I'm included in the 'people suck and are incredibly, inherently selfish' - even knowing that, I have a hard time addressing it. Even when the roles have been reversed, after I lost my job and people stopped reaching out to me, I knew exactly why... I was making them uncomfortable and they just didn't know how to deal with it. And even then, I had no idea what I wanted from them, other than for things to just be as they had been before.

Even after my own experience, when a close friend of mine lost his job I dreaded talking with him because of the helplessness that I felt at being able to do anything for him, and the reminder that at any moment I could be in his shoes again. It sucks, it's a massive character flaw, and it is even worse that I'm aware of it but so far have been unable to change. I still love my family and friends, I just don't know how to show them that during their times of greatest need.

[mutilationwave@lemmy.dbzer0.com]

Same in WV.

[lightnsfw@reddthat.com]

Can you define what you were asking for in terms of support from your friends? I've not been married but I've been through some shitty breakups and I've never really even considered asking my friends for anything. Like I don't even know what they could do to help matters. I just had to deal with all the emotional stuff and move on. If anything I think a lot of them would have made the situation more toxic in their efforts to make me feel better.

I'm not asking this to tell you to get over it even though it probably sounds that way. I'm trying to understand what someone else in this situation is actually looking for that will help them. I'm sorry you're not getting what you need.

[son_named_bort@lemmy.world]

I'm going through a divorce right now. For the most part the friends and people I've told have largely been supportive of me. I think it helped that I had friends that were my own and not shared with my ex-wife. The shared friends we had together have mostly supported her, but they were her friends before we had met. One of the things I have done since splitting is getting more involved with my hobby that is improv theater. Finding a hobby where you are around others can help with building a group of friends who know you not through your ex or past relationship. It would make it more likely that they would support you and not her.

[mutilationwave@lemmy.dbzer0.com]

Of all the places to spread that bullshit, on a thread posted by a man grieving a relationship. Disgusting behavior. I am lucky to have three men in my life who got my back no matter what. We say I love you to one another. I am still married but who knows for how much longer. They will be there for me.

I am lucky, yes. I've made friends who have broken out of the bonds that society puts on men. By being like this you are acting no better than the same fucked up shit.

[mitm0@lemmy.world]

Yeah this is what men deal with & guess what you'll be gaslit into thinking that YOU WERE THE PROBLEM all along eventhough evidence suggests otherwise.

[chastity2323@midwest.social]

he's clearly suffering from PISD

Assuming you mean PTSD, there is not nearly enough information here to diagnose OP. Regardless of what diagnosis you, random internet person, have decided to bestow, seeing a qualified physician is a crucial part of mental health workup. Still not sure why you continue to take issue with this.

This, what OP is going through ? That's normal. As my therapist said, she would have been far more worried if I didn't get the thoughts.

You have not done a suicide risk assessment and don't know the character or severity of OP's suicidal ideation or other symptoms. He is not you.

his therapist will tell him to talk to a physician

A good therapist will, but unfortunately, this does not happen nearly as much as it should. This leads to delayed diagnosis and management of comorbid medical conditions that contribute to feelings of depression. Therapists typically don't have broader medical training outside of mental health and aren't always well versed in the many treatments for mental health disorders.

[ctrlaltdefeat@sh.itjust.works]

You're losing friendships by asking for support? Something's missing here...

[dingleberrylover@lemmy.world]

He would loose friendship by asking for support, if there was true friendship in the first place.
Although it is hard for OP to see how these ppl tread him, at least he got to know their true faces.

[ctrlaltdefeat@sh.itjust.works]

Either they're not friends or

OP misinterprets their behavior, and they actually are supporting, just not the way/amount OP wants or

"friends" believe OP is at fault and nobody is feeling sympathetic.

I guess they could also just be terrible people that decided to shit on OP for shits n giggles. But I doubt it.

[fivetimbers@lemmy.world]

My circle of friends before and after my divorce are almost completely different. Only 1 of my college friends stuck around. And my ex straight up moved across country. So it's not like they were supporting her and not me.
I would recommend you do what I did. Pick up a hobby that requires you to interact with other people. I picked up dancing and Dungeons and Dragons. It really helped me build new friendships and restart my life.
It really sucks, and it's extra hard building relationships when you are in your current state, but it does help.

[asfalttikyntaja@sopuli.xyz]

30 Million?

[lordcrom@lemmy.world]

You need to find a new circle. Pick up a new hobby with a community. Kung Fu for me was great. Exercise aside, the classmates are supportive and the community is great.
Find one that would work for you

[lovablesidekick@lemmy.world]

Pretty limited information, but based on it being hard to imagine a group of compassionate people all siding with the person who did the cheating, my guess is that your "friends" probably suck. My advice isto sign up for a community college acting class and try hard to immerse yourself in it. Acting and getting involved in theatre totally cured my serious anxiety problems. There's something about it that helps you get unwrapped from yourself and want to explore other people and the world more. My other advice is don't define yourself as "the divorced guy" - especially when socializing with new people. They aren't gonna want to hear all the gory details. Dig into your personal interests and what makes you happy and focus on those things.

[vitorobles@lemmy.today]

I'm going to go against the grain and suggest finding people with like-minded life situations.

I had a friend who has a divorce at age 40. I did all I could as a friend, provide sympathy, check in. But he was extremely miserable, or just downright offensive.

Dating is hard at that age - I get it. I don't need to hear his opinion about why women of today aren't what he wants in every conversation.

I also cannot play his wingman. No, I'm not going to "pretend" to flirt with girls at a bar with him when I'm married.

But it became offensive. Like my niece turned into an adult and he asked: "Is she looking for a man?" Dude, you're twenty years older. WTF.

Joke or not, as a married man, that's not where I am in life. And yeah, I absolutely stopped hanging out with him because this version of him is hard to deal with.

[hacksaw@lemmy.ca]

It's probably attempt suicide. There is generally an order of magnitude between attempt and commit. But I'm not downplaying how shitty it is tho.

[gamermanh@lemmy.dbzer0.com]

So yeah, mad at reality, gotcha

[figjam@midwest.social]

I can't speak to the experience of an emotionally stunted woman.

[thermal_shock@lemmy.world]

Not really, after my divorce I was never contacted again by those friends. Fuck em.