How can you apply "think before you speak" if it isn't feasible to pause for 15 seconds between every sentence you say mid conversation????
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Lemmy, I have a problem. I fuck up social interactions incredibly frequently, far more often and severely than others do.
I will be speaking what I feel is casually and consistently, and the person I am speaking with will suddenly have a significant change in their demeanor and speech. It both makes me feel bad that they react this way and frustrated me that I made an incorrect interaction.
This doesn't really occur with people I don't know well. Rather, it occurs with the people I spend the most time with...my coworkers. I am forced to interact with them all day due to my specific job. With one of them, I would consider them to be my only friend.
I have noticed that they all have specific unspoken "triggers" of speech or behavior that I need to minimize or hide when in front of them. But there are always instances where I cannot recognize a pattern. And even when I can kind of figure out a pattern, I sometimes fail to implement it.
You know the phrase, "think before you speak" right? But how the hell does one apply that to large swaths of conversations that occur all day long? It would be incredibly jarring and odd for me to make large pauses between each and every sentence I make. Is there a better shortcut to this?
Here are some examples of "off limits" speech/behavior patterns that I have noticed among various people:
Coworker 1 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), making a workplace error, anxious body language (this one is particularly difficult)
Coworker 2 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), statements that are too negative, offering to let them leave work early
Coworker 3 - statements that are too negative, mentioning my dad, statements that may give them too much anxiety (sometimes difficult to discern), talking about coworker 1 too much in a negative way (even tho we both think coworker 1 is a bitch)
Yes, there is some overlap among them, but they still have a lot of differences that are difficult for me to discern.
I mean, I guess the "easiest" solution would to try to never talk again outside of any speech that is immediately necessary to do my job. But it is tricky to do and a bit depressing.
Would appreciate some guidance. Sorry for the long post and thanks if you stuck around this far!
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I think you might be pretty close to the answer here: small talk. Conversation about stuff that isn't going to make anyone uncomfortable. People at work aren't friends, but you're stuck spending lots of time with them, so try to find topics you're all happy discussing.
So:
speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety)
It depends how you phrase this. Generally, admitting weakness isn't something I'd do around coworkers, unless you're putting limits on what you'll do ("I don't like closing up, I'd prefer not to") or looking for help ("I want to get better at X, can you tell me how?"). But that depends on the person.
statements that are too negative
Yeah. At work, be positive or don't go into the topic. If you think a coworker dislikes a thing and you want to bond over hating it, don't go first, get them to show you how far they're willing to go, then don't go further.
making a workplace error
I dunno what to say about this. Ask for help at getting better? Apologize for screwing up? Otherwise I wouldn't mention it again.
mentioning my dad
Again, keep conversation positive and light. If you're bitching about your dad, don't. If you're saying what a great guy he is and they still get uncomfortable, just avoid the topic.
talking about coworker 1 too much in a negative way
Don't do this. In the best case scenario, you bond over hating a coworker. In the worst case, the workplace becomes toxic. Accept that you're stuck dealing with coworker 1 and move on. At most, acknowledge that coworker 1 can be difficult, but move on.
So. Smalltalk. Find stuff to talk about that nobody is gonna have strong negative reactions to: TV, streamers, sports, weather, traffic/transit, local events, weekend activities, happy family events. Avoid stuff that people have strong negative reactions to: politics, religion, painful topics, suffering, etc.
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Also, I bet it is more socially acceptable to take a beat and think before speaking than you think. I learned that for myself and it helped. It's not as jarring as you might think. It can even make people appreciate what you say more. If it's really taking long, you can stall a bit with some "I need to think about that one, hmm" lines.
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If you are in a quick conversation with someone, you might feel the pressure to avoid any stretches in silence. Try to not feel pressured. Pausing for 15 seconds isn't feasible, but one or two seconds helps a lot...
It breaks your train of thought, allows you to catch enough things—doesn't have to be all—to formulate a measured response. If you want to go one step further, try not creating a response in advance and wait for your turn to speak. Instead, listen to what your conversation partner says and restate a quick summary in your own words before you advance the topic.
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No, I fuck up even in small talk. For example, we were talking about supplements and exercising one day.
Coworker 2: Yeah, running a 10 minute mile is easy. Anyone can do it.
Me (a slow runner): What??? Idk dude that is kind of hard for me.
Coworker 2: Well for some people walking is healthier than running!
Me: What??? Ok sure, Coworker 2
Coworker 2: (angrily shuts down and refuses to say anything else to me for several hours even after I apologize)
Coworker 2 being angry with me was one thing. But I felt bad because coworker 3 was also chatting and it meant that they no longer got to speak either because coworker 2 was so mad.
Small talk with coworker 1 doesn't work at all because they will randomly randomly act condescending to you when you make a joke or say something that doesn't land exactly with them. It's a bit demoralizing so I try to interact with coworker 1 the least.
I don't outright tell coworkers 1 and 2 that I am anxious. But I will sometimes obsess over certain work things that I am anxious about and they get wise to it and get upset with me...even if what I am specifically doing to them is apologizing for acting weird because I was simply anxious.
I had considered coworker 3 to be my friend a bit tbh. But that is not supposed to be the case, right? We are not supposed to be friends or anything. I am supposed to find friends elsewhere and not think of them that way, right?
If people want to discuss serious topics with me then I'm just not supposed to contribute, right??
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It is significantly more acceptable to slow down and stop talking than a lot of people think
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If I had the health insurance and/or the money, I wouldn’t ask pseudonymous internet randos, I would ask a psychologist/therapist/councilor.
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You're descriptions kind of make your coworkers like NPCs. If you want to have better conversations you should probably get to know them better as people. That can allow you to understand the why of their particulars and eventually guide your conversations more organically.
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"Coworker 4 - talking too much in general about any topic (they would just prefer I shut up tbh unless there is zero work)"
I am this person lol without knowing them at all I can say at least for this type of person I think the best thing to do is just be direct about work stuff, get to the point right away after the initial pleasantries of initiating the conversation. If they're anything like me they might actually dislike conversation for similar reasons that you feel anxious. I just don't have much to say other than strictly work related business and it stresses me out to be stuck in a "meaningless" conversation.
If coworker 1 really is "a bitch" then there isn't all that much you can do, just treat her similar to coworker 4 and just accept that she might be judging you for stupid reasons. That's more of a "her problem" than a you problem. As they say "you can't make everyone like you." but that doesn't have to mean there's anything "wrong" with you, some people just don't mesh well.
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I had my bouts where I tried a lot of therapy. Therapists weren't overly helpful to me. Many of them would say "oh there's nothing wrong if you do XYZ in a social context" and I would try to explain why it is wrong, similar to how I've demonstrated to you guys.
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I mean, forgive me for not explaining every detail of all of my coworkers lives in this thread. The post is already stupidly long and I was trying to get to the meat and potatoes of it for those that might be able to help.
I know some of them quite well and I am constantly learning new things about them. I can speak organically with most of them (except coworker 4), and often do so at length. But my mistakes are still frequent enough and significant enough that it causes major problems. I am constantly learning what not do to, but there are seemingly infinite permutations of conversation and infinite ways things can and do go wrong, even when I find some of the patterns.
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Yeah with coworker 1 I try to interact minimally with. It works out ok. So I mostly talk to coworkers 2 and 3 but I still tuck up with them all the time.
Nah, coworker 4 isn't anxious. She just wants us to work as quickly as possible so she can leave as quickly as possible. I don't talk to her much either tbh. It can be a bit frustrating when she sometimes gets upset when I am chatting with a different coworker (because she wants me to shut up and not talk to anyone at all).
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Just think faster. No shit. Practice stakkato arguments with your friends.
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There is no 'supposed to' about making friends with people you work with. Some may have that opinion but lots of people have made friends with coworkers. Sure if the friendship goes sour it could get awkward at work, but lots of people can navigate friendship without drama.
It's hard to tell nuance from a text rendering of that conversation, but it potentially sounds like you were rude to coworker 2, reacting dismissively to their comment.
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The smartest people I've ever met pause for at least five seconds before answering direct questions. Some for much longer. There's a Supreme Court justice who I'm told pauses for like 25 seconds or more anytime she's asked a question.
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like most things, conversation skill is mainly not a conscious thing. any skill a human is reasonably good at is done mostly by unconscious parts of brain, under only loose direction from your conscious mind. most things happen too quickly for deliberate conscious reasoning, which is rather slow. you can't expect to create a set of rules to run through in your head while you converse. it is more like training a neural net, or an llm or something. you give it feedback, like when you make someone angry, you tell it 'don't do that' (ideally just in the form of feeling bad) and eventually it learns. but it takes time.
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Be less negative, don't talk behind people's backs, leave coworker 4 alone
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If your chats are as innocent as the running topic then don't mind their issues. Nobody can know what someone's state is that makes them sensitive to random triggering.
As for what others said about bullshitting about someone behind their back or being overall negative, you can work on those.
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Think further before, don't wait for the middle of a conversion. Run potential future conversations through in your mind before you even see these coworkers and decide in advance how you'll respond to various topics so you don't have to do it in the moment.
You can do this in front of a mirror to practice the body language you want to project, as well.
By chance, are you located in the Midwest? Or neurodivergent? Because Midwesterners really aren't comfortable with most kinds of explicit negative emotional displays, and there are very specific ways to indicate negative emotions appropriately. And IME most NTs are distressed by the way NDs tend to express anxiety.
If I could sum up all of what I've said into one sentence, it'd be: Stop displaying anxiety to your coworkers.
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Most people say ummm … uuuh … between words because they were too quick to answer and need to think. It’s a fine line though, which you need to develop over time for yourself. My boss makes very long pauses before he answers and looks kinda frozen while he thinks, it’s a bit confusing but I appreciate that he cares about what we are talking about.
Look up Charisma On Demand on Youtube, it might have some interesting topics for you. Just don’t try to forcefully apply everything. Everyone is a different character with their own quirks and that’s good.
The saying „Think before you speak“ I believe is not meant for during conversations specifically but for when you give your opinion on something and it’s based more on emotion than facts.
