How can you apply "think before you speak" if it isn't feasible to pause for 15 seconds between every sentence you say mid conversation????
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If I had the health insurance and/or the money, I wouldn’t ask pseudonymous internet randos, I would ask a psychologist/therapist/councilor.
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You're descriptions kind of make your coworkers like NPCs. If you want to have better conversations you should probably get to know them better as people. That can allow you to understand the why of their particulars and eventually guide your conversations more organically.
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"Coworker 4 - talking too much in general about any topic (they would just prefer I shut up tbh unless there is zero work)"
I am this person lol without knowing them at all I can say at least for this type of person I think the best thing to do is just be direct about work stuff, get to the point right away after the initial pleasantries of initiating the conversation. If they're anything like me they might actually dislike conversation for similar reasons that you feel anxious. I just don't have much to say other than strictly work related business and it stresses me out to be stuck in a "meaningless" conversation.
If coworker 1 really is "a bitch" then there isn't all that much you can do, just treat her similar to coworker 4 and just accept that she might be judging you for stupid reasons. That's more of a "her problem" than a you problem. As they say "you can't make everyone like you." but that doesn't have to mean there's anything "wrong" with you, some people just don't mesh well.
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I had my bouts where I tried a lot of therapy. Therapists weren't overly helpful to me. Many of them would say "oh there's nothing wrong if you do XYZ in a social context" and I would try to explain why it is wrong, similar to how I've demonstrated to you guys.
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I mean, forgive me for not explaining every detail of all of my coworkers lives in this thread. The post is already stupidly long and I was trying to get to the meat and potatoes of it for those that might be able to help.
I know some of them quite well and I am constantly learning new things about them. I can speak organically with most of them (except coworker 4), and often do so at length. But my mistakes are still frequent enough and significant enough that it causes major problems. I am constantly learning what not do to, but there are seemingly infinite permutations of conversation and infinite ways things can and do go wrong, even when I find some of the patterns.
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Yeah with coworker 1 I try to interact minimally with. It works out ok. So I mostly talk to coworkers 2 and 3 but I still tuck up with them all the time.
Nah, coworker 4 isn't anxious. She just wants us to work as quickly as possible so she can leave as quickly as possible. I don't talk to her much either tbh. It can be a bit frustrating when she sometimes gets upset when I am chatting with a different coworker (because she wants me to shut up and not talk to anyone at all).
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Just think faster. No shit. Practice stakkato arguments with your friends.
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There is no 'supposed to' about making friends with people you work with. Some may have that opinion but lots of people have made friends with coworkers. Sure if the friendship goes sour it could get awkward at work, but lots of people can navigate friendship without drama.
It's hard to tell nuance from a text rendering of that conversation, but it potentially sounds like you were rude to coworker 2, reacting dismissively to their comment.
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The smartest people I've ever met pause for at least five seconds before answering direct questions. Some for much longer. There's a Supreme Court justice who I'm told pauses for like 25 seconds or more anytime she's asked a question.
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like most things, conversation skill is mainly not a conscious thing. any skill a human is reasonably good at is done mostly by unconscious parts of brain, under only loose direction from your conscious mind. most things happen too quickly for deliberate conscious reasoning, which is rather slow. you can't expect to create a set of rules to run through in your head while you converse. it is more like training a neural net, or an llm or something. you give it feedback, like when you make someone angry, you tell it 'don't do that' (ideally just in the form of feeling bad) and eventually it learns. but it takes time.
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Be less negative, don't talk behind people's backs, leave coworker 4 alone
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If your chats are as innocent as the running topic then don't mind their issues. Nobody can know what someone's state is that makes them sensitive to random triggering.
As for what others said about bullshitting about someone behind their back or being overall negative, you can work on those.
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Think further before, don't wait for the middle of a conversion. Run potential future conversations through in your mind before you even see these coworkers and decide in advance how you'll respond to various topics so you don't have to do it in the moment.
You can do this in front of a mirror to practice the body language you want to project, as well.
By chance, are you located in the Midwest? Or neurodivergent? Because Midwesterners really aren't comfortable with most kinds of explicit negative emotional displays, and there are very specific ways to indicate negative emotions appropriately. And IME most NTs are distressed by the way NDs tend to express anxiety.
If I could sum up all of what I've said into one sentence, it'd be: Stop displaying anxiety to your coworkers.
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Most people say ummm … uuuh … between words because they were too quick to answer and need to think. It’s a fine line though, which you need to develop over time for yourself. My boss makes very long pauses before he answers and looks kinda frozen while he thinks, it’s a bit confusing but I appreciate that he cares about what we are talking about.
Look up Charisma On Demand on Youtube, it might have some interesting topics for you. Just don’t try to forcefully apply everything. Everyone is a different character with their own quirks and that’s good.
The saying „Think before you speak“ I believe is not meant for during conversations specifically but for when you give your opinion on something and it’s based more on emotion than facts.
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I always say that thinking before speaking is a bit like wiping before going number two.
Maybe that's why I don't have any friends.
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On thinking before you speak, it means this: if something is said that makes you want to respond right away, when you sense a physical reaction (of hurt, anger, sadness or wanting retribution), or you are in a situation where what you say matters a lot (an interview, a meeting with higher-ups in a company etc.), it's a mental cue for you to block immediate responses which can cause you to run your mouth in ways you later regret. Instead, you actively make an effort to listen more and consider your situation before responding. So it's not a 15 second pause after each sentence, but a 15 seconds you take while the other person is going on about whatever before you inject yourself into a conversation or before you make your point when it's your turn.
On interacting with your coworkers, they're not your therapists, so you can talk about what's new and the fortunate and unfortunate things that happen to you over the course of a week, but the basic idea is to avoid making your problems their problems when you do.
I'm of a more positive nature but I love to info-dump on my coworkers about my favourite topics. I try to offset that by involving them and asking their opinion, showing them cool things, and then taking the turn to let them discuss what their thoughts are and follow up with that. And I try to get a sense if they aren't interested in talking at a particular moment or are losing interest in the middle of a conversation. EQ skills are about taking that pulse.
If you need a place to start: The idea is give and take, and it should be in relatively equal amounts. Would you be able to tell me what has been on the minds lately of Coworkers 1-3? Or have you spent most of the conversation about yourself and your issues? (#4 doesn't sound interested much in sharing their personal life, so you don't have to probe them on it).
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You don't need to give explicit details of your coworkers' lives, but from your writing it really seemed to me that you were more interested in mechanically optimizing conversation. This isn't necessarily a bad perspective, but people already do that organically by understanding each other more and learning their history. The route of good conversation follows logically from there through empathy.
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Just don't say anything I wouldn't say. I wouldn't care about leaving large gaps between subjects if you need to think beforehand, because it'll take the focus away from the subject and onto "being in your own head". If the pausing is after literally every sentence then it might be that the conversation just naturally isn't going anywhere. (E.g. the other person doesn't want to talk, there's no conversational threads, no more information needs to be added, its just a statement that needs no reply.) But if its like this all the time everyday with everyone then maybe speak to a speech therapist (or someone who can help with speech impediments, or could get a referal from your doctor). Coworker 4 is an example of not letting they're personal and professional lives intermix. I think that talking to your coworkers about your struggles all the time is emotionally draining even if you didn't mean to, put yourself in their shoes, if someone would talk about their problems repeatedly to you, wouldn't you get tired eventually? Not sure about coworker 3 asking "are you OK" because I don't know their vibe from the post, it could be everything from: the standard "hello" "hi" interaction to "you seem like you want to talk" (but I lack context to understand if its a positive or negative vibe.)
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Me: What??? Ok sure, Coworker 2
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Small talk with coworker 1 doesn't work at all because they will randomly randomly act condescending to you when you make a joke or say something that doesn't land exactly with them.
...so are you coworker 1? Lol
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I once had a boss like this and when he finally said something it was always "it depends". I often wanted him to give a simple, quick, direct answer but I eventually realized things were more complicated than that. It reminded me of the Tolkien quote: "Go not to the Elves for counsel for they will answer both no and yes."
