New parent. Just had some questions

[email protected]

Kid has a penis and is 1wk old. I feel like the day to day right now is just making sure he's not sitting in his own piss/shit and feeding him until he passes out every 2-3 hrs. He's 1wk old so I don't know when I'm supposed to start stimulating him, but there's very little awake time that isn't either "I'm sitting in my own peepoo"..."my ping pong sized stomach is empty"...or just crying for whatever reason other than the first two. It seems every time he feeds, he conks out until the next feeding/diaper change so I take great pride in creating a tit milk drunk baby that passes tfo (pumping only *will explain below). We put him on his stomach to piss him off and develop some neck/back muscles every now and then when he's not full of my wife's liquid gold. I sing to him (I'm a vocalist/amateur musician sort of) when I'm doing the war crime of changing or swaddling (I roll tight burritos) but that's about it. Mild case of jaundice but rebounded hard after we started pumping/bottle feeding. Most likely related to not getting enough food. See *

I come from a moderately high performing family (doctors/stem professionals and such) so theres a lot of pressure to make sure this kid isnt a dipshit. I'm playing all kinds of music while he sleeps (doesn't seem to be affected by noise while sleeping) but I can't teach the kid math until he at least understands object permanence right? I also feel like all that classical music Montessori stuff isbcomplete horseshit and I'm much more concerned with just making sure the kid is a good person but I also want onto pull the right levers and flip the right switches where I can.

The bottom line is: Am I doing it wrong or is this it for a while until he can stay awake while changed and fed? Is it normal? I feel like I'm just drugging a child to sleep. Looking for any input. Thanks.

Also, if there's any words of wisdom for my anxious wife (see *) that would be helpful. She's struggling with the whole breast feeding issue even though she's creating a massive surplus at day 7 and we've only supplemented with formula for 3 feeds total. I'm super proud of her for pushing through cracked sensitive nips and I'm stoked that this kid is getting anything natural but she feels like a failure for not direct feeding which i guess i understand is "ideal" but shes killing it pumping. My reassurances don't seem to comfort her unfortunately

*Kid falls asleep 1min after he latches without fail and my wife is super anxious about not breast feeding but she pumps out a surplus of milk. He wasnt getting enough sustenance after birth but he's ravenous on the bottle. 2-4 oz every feed maybe 2.50z average.

Edit: my biggest gripe is that I'm killing 24/7 and this kid has literally no sense of humor. I was hoping for paternal instinct but all I got was killer dad jokes.

[email protected]

Am I doing it wrong or is this it for a while until he can stay awake while changed and fed? Is it normal? I feel like I'm just drugging a child to sleep.

This is it. The entire goal is to keep this kid alive while he eats and grows. All the pressure to make sure the kids not a dipshit is irrelevant at this stage. He doesn't understand that he has hands yet, let alone doing math.

As for the bottle feeding, it seems to be fine. Apparently only about 8% of infants in the US ONLY feed directly from the breast. (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8476436/)
But I only searched for it in kagi with the academic filter and spent at most 5 minutes reading, so don't trust me there.

[email protected]

Fed is best.

For the anxiety, there might be local baby groups that deal with that. It may be worth checking with a lactation specialist to see if they know of the resources.

As for the kiddo, right now they are in what I call hungry potato mode. Eventually they will start to smile at things and then mobilize. Once they start smiling, then you can start feeling out their personality, which will change shortly after you figure them out. Once mobile, more time with more babies to socialize is good.

Edit on the baby groups: it's also a good place to talk to other moms in similar but different boats.

Watch the bluey episode baby race.

[email protected]

Forewarnig of "every kid is different", so ymmv.

One of my kids would fall asleep while nursing as well but keep sucking in his sleep!
But hey you found what works for you (see forewarnig).

For the first 2 weeks (at least) yeah that's all they do: eat, sleep, fill diapers. However it's never too early to have some cuddle/play time. Gentle caresses all over, like a light massage, especially after bath time with some oil maybe.
Singing (or even just talking to them) is great as you'll soon start to see them reacting to your voice.

As you'll surely know their eyesight is not great at the beginning, but you will notice when they get more alert of their surrounding.

Skin to skin contact also is a great way to make them happy.

Apart for that, it's way too soon to start worrying about "let's not make a dick of this human".

I recommend a book called "wonder weeks", and once you have recovered from sleep deprivation, "raising boys".
BUT EVERY KID IS DIFFERENT, so don't take them as the absolute truth, more like guidelines and food for thought.

Maybe get him some sensory toys, it's a great way for them to start learning to explore stuff.

And finally, remember that kids learn by copying what they see. A lot of kids grow messed up because unfortunately they come from messed up situations.

He WILL make you mad and angry. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion, you need to be able to breathe and recognize what you're angry at. And you can tell them, and also that you need a minute to calm down. If they see you dealing with strong emotions in a healthy way they'll learn too (but also they WILL make you made on purpose as they learn boundaries by pushing them. Yes, they are little sociopaths).

There's ton more stuff of course but the fact that you care and you're concerned is already a good step. We all mess up in some way, but being able to put your ego aside and say sorry to them is a big thing. Don't feel like you should always know the answers, we all make it up as we go!

Congratulations and good luck!

[email protected]

You're doing great already, and your desire to do well by your child means you'll continue doing great.

Talk, sing, show your kid by example what being a person looks like. Read to them every day, and keep it up until they pick up the mantle and start reading on their own. Introduce them to new toys, sounds, foods, and experiences as they develop. But right now, literally everything is still brand new to this person and the best thing you can do is provide Level 1 "How to human" lessons. Your voice, touch, and demonstrated behaviors are your best tools right now.

[email protected]

The fact that you care this much is a decent sign that you're doing great.

Your job right now is just to keep the kid alive and comfortable. Be present, be kind, and in time give him opportunities for enrichment. Make sure mom is doing well day-to-day. And don't forget to take care of yourself; you're no good to anyone if you're a wreck.

Don't hesitate to meet with a lactation consultant if breastfeeding isn't going smoothly. It can be a real struggle for mom and kid alike. And don't worry if you have to use a bottle or even switch to formula for some reason; your kid will be okay.

[email protected]

Your kid is recovering from the stress of birth. You're in what I like to call the false-sense-of-security phase, where they sleep 18 hours a day and basically only require food and changing. It'll change as time goes on.

Personally, I'm a fan of Montessori. Your kid is a really long way off from math (mine are 3 and 5, and they're just starting to get even the concept). But his little brain is developing in other ways. Right now, things like singing and bold visual patterns are great (my kids had a black and white book and they'd get super into it). Just try to be patient; take the opportunity to get to know him and enjoy time with him.

When he's ready to explore other foods, I highly recommend Solid Starts--it's great for them both for trying new things and for brain development.

And do you best to avoid screens for a couple years. No judgement here (we definitely have more screen time than we should), but screens are more harm than good before age 2.

[email protected]

I dont have kids yet, but i do remember this Stage from my much younger siblings. Its sleeping, drinking, bellyache, pooping in a loop. Funnfact: in the beginning their eyes also only focus on about 30cm (which is about the distance of mums face when breast feeding).

There is not much that you can teach here. Still, i think that the music he hears influences his taste of music later. Dont think it will already help with math and so, but it creates memories and melodies connected to memories touch you somehow even far later. This is just my thought not scientific evidence.

Being fed and loved are the only things that matter. If you want a Mozart, Start with Instruments at age 3.

For the breast feeding.what i hear from my friends with kids It is very normal to have difficulties in the beginning. ASK other women around that already have kids for tips. If the nips hurt there is all kind of stuff like putting tea bags on it (dont remember which tea but a friend did it), silver caps are said to do wonders, cooling pads etc. Some women cannot breastfeed at all, for some it starts later, for some it gets better every week. alll of this is normal its just one of the topics no one speaks about because its "embarrassing if you dont perform". So stupid. We should all speak about it. We do it among my friends and it is very helpful. Also If you think of it, its quite demanding for the breasts to just make the exact right amount of milk From the day the baby is born. Not before. Not knowing how much this baby drinks which also varies. And Especially since giving birth and producing milk both are super exhausting for the body.
With me, my mum had far too much milk. She was overproducing. After some time it normalized. Its totally OK if its the other way round.

Have fun.

[email protected]

Human startup runs for like 13-24 months depending on the human. There are a few apps that can help give you an idea on where they are at developmentally, but just keep the thing fed and changed and slept. That's it. About age 2.5-5 is when you can start to shove stuff into their brains, but before that, they just need to be fed and watered and loved.

There is nipple cream to help with the skin. And pumping to build up a milk supply and to keep milk flowing is totally normal.

[email protected]

make sure this kid isnt a dipshit.

I'm not sure you can stop a kid from being a dipshit. I think the best you can hope for is to give them a chance to be good.

You're about to be sleep tortured for 12-18 straight months. Your cognitive functions will get compromised, but they'll come back once the kid sleeps through the night reliably. Try not to make any big decisions.

Freeze that surplus breastmilk. There are plenty of moms who have difficulty producing enough, and that's fucking devastating to new moms. Find them and give them your surplus. Failing that, trade. Boosts the immune system.

[email protected]

The bottom line is: Am I doing it wrong or is this it for a while until he can stay awake while changed and fed? Is it normal? I feel like I'm just drugging a child to sleep. Looking for any input. Thanks.

I said it somewhere else but kids, newborns especially, do very few things: eat, shit, piss, burp and sleep. So yes you are doing things right. In fact, enjoy how easy it is now because it won't be for long. And there is no harm talking to a newborn. If it is just you and the wife in the house and you take care of the baby in shifts then unloading a stream of conciseness can be therapeutic.

when I'm doing the war crime of changing or swaddling

I've helped care a number of babies and still can't swaddle one for shit so I'm jealous. Probably why my burritos always end being eating with a fork/spoon.

Kid falls asleep 1min after he latches without fail and my wife is super anxious about not breast feeding but she pumps out a surplus of milk. He wasnt getting enough sustenance after birth but he's ravenous on the bottle. 2-4 oz every feed maybe 2.50z average.

Your child is a classic "lazy eater". They can and will latch but doing the work afterwards ain't happening. He wants the easy feeding of a bottle and unless you wanna starve him then give it to him. He is still getting all the benefits of breast milk and your wife is still doing the work of pumping so no shame there. Make sure you keep the negative Nancy types who talk down on women who can't/don't breastfeed away from your wife.

[email protected]

You pretty much keep the poop machine alive for a year or so.

The advice for mom, or for you to communicate to mom, is that the anxiety is absolutely normal and not something to be afraid or ashamed of. They birthed a kid. If they formula-bottle-fed only from here out they'd still be nothing close to a failure.
A fed baby is the 'ideal', nothing to do with the source or method.

[email protected]

There's a lot of great advice and reassurance in here already. It sounds like you're doing all right to me too.

A more uncommon suggestion that fits in here is that we see evidence that reading to kids no matter the age, yes even this young has benefits later in life. Your local library may have a 1,000 books before kindergarten program (they are pretty common) and it's never too early to enroll.

[email protected]

Congrats!

To answer your main question, it sounds like you're doing fine. Feed the kid, let them sleep. Change the diaper when it needs to be changed.

As for Mom, she's doing amazing. Don't let her think anything other than that. If you breastfeed, great. If you need to pump and bottle feed, great. If you need to go formula only because her nipples feel like daggers are stabbing through them, great. Everybody is different. Formula gets just as much food into them as breast milk. Do what is best for the baby and for you guys.

Around 5 to 8 months, that kid is going to start crawling and moving all over the place. As for now, laying on the floor and watching a mobile/fan/ your faces above it is all that baby needs. Read to them, sing to them, hold them while they sleep as you watch Malcolm in the Middle on a tablet. Keep your sanity, and try to figure out a solid sleep schedule.

They'll get to math and science and whatever else eventually. But there's no need to stress about that right now.

(Source: Father of a 6-year-old and 4-year-old.)

[email protected]

The feeding issue seems like it's probably just newborn lazyness/lack of muscle still and bottles are easier, but tongue ties, lip ties, and muscle strains are all incredibly common in babies and can make suction much harder. If your wife is dedicated to breastfeeding then you could go to a lactation consultant now if you want, but if that's difficult you can definitely keep offering nipples at most feedings and then supplement with a bottle. Not sustainable forever but will help the baby start developing the right muscles and energy for proper latch suction. If the problem persists then a lactation consult would be a good next step.

Hang in there, it's a tough few weeks with a tiny human who doesn't know how to live yet! Things change quickly though so what seems impossible today may well be routine in a week.

[email protected]

He WILL make you mad and angry

I signed away my right to shake'em unfortunately. I just channel it all into making 3am digeridoo noises

[email protected]

That Bluey episode: "Maybe you just saw something you wanted"

[email protected]

Man, you are just doing great.

My daughter is 1 year old now and I still remember how my wife and I took care of her. Baby at this age just need to sleep a lot to grow. You can sing or do what you're good at to stimulate him as you described of course, but you shouldn't be annoyed when he seems not listening because the period when he is awake is not very long at a time. We just used black and white cards to practise her eye tracking ability meanwhile train her neck muscle. And we let her grab one of our fingers to practise her strength of her fingers which complied with the nature pattern of baby's growth.

When he crys suddenly, you shall check if he has pee-pee or poo-poo simply by smelling, looking at the color indicator on the diaper, and check his diaper as well if needed. His awareness of the body is developing, he might not feel comfortable when he pees or poos, so stay alert whenever you hear him cry or see him kicking his legs.

As for feeding, I totally understand why you and your wife is anxious. But please, do your best to comfort your wife and tell her that she is doing amazingly good, don't force it too hard. And most importantly, build her confidence that she can do breast feeding as she wants to. I really believe that when your wife and you calm down, your kid will sense parents' emotions. You know, every kid is unique and different, maybe your kid acts a little lazy when sucking milk from his mom, but do give him and your wife more patience.

My wife was quite anxious that she might not generate enough milk to do the breast feeding before giving birth, but one hour our daughter was born, she found all her previous worries were just nonsense.

Be patient, you and your wife will do better and better as you practise more.

? Offline

You're doing great. The fact that you care and are worried about screwing up speak volumes.

Babies are lazy. Milk doesn't come instantly. It takes a little work on their side to trigger a letdown. Bottles are immediate. A lactation consultant may help, not sure if that's already something you've tried. Some babies have a terrible latch so it can be super painful for the breastfeeding parent. There are tongue ties and there are lip ties. Both of my kiddos had mild lip ties that didn't cause pain most of the time. The site kellymom was super helpful to me in the early weeks. Just ignore the super strict stance on BF-only. Just go for the tips.

Your wife is doing great. Do things for her, don't just ask her what she needs and do it. Do things proactively. Bring her water, snacks, a blanket, etc.

[email protected]

Yes that's it for a while. Just be kind and gentle to it and to each other. It goes so fucking fast man. I have tears welling up because my last just turned 5 and so that part is gone forever. They're just a lump. But they are a delicate, rapidly growing lump that is purely absorbing one thing, how you treat it.

The only advice I can give is that it's 100% better to have it cry on its own for 5 minutes than for your exhausted brain to lose its temper with a shit-producing potato. Look after yourself too. We evolved to have ten other people around who would hold the baby when you needed a break.

agnos.is Forums

New parent. Just had some questions