How old is too old to have kids, in your opinion?
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
Adopt an older child if you do want to raise a kid but are worried about ages?
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My wife and I had this discussion when we got married, she was angling for another kid and I was like "Roll forward 17, 18 years, do you want to be paying for college at retirement age?"
Our first kid is grown, out of the house, married, his degree is 100% paid off... I really don't want to be doing that again in my 60s.
That’s a good point. We had kids older so now I’m approaching 60 and my youngest just started college. Now that my peers are thinking about retirement soon, I’m thinking how can I finish paying for college? How can I help jump start their adult lives?
There were advantages to being well established before having kids, but the disadvantaged are coming along now. Paying off colleges is going to set my retirement way back, and I may never get to enjoy grandchildren.
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In my opinion over 50 is too old. I don't have a hard cutoff but I think I would place it somewhere around early 40s.
Some of my reasons are very subjective. My best memories of my childhood with my parents are of active stuff – camping trips, exploring rivers, kayaking. My parents are still very active in their late 60s but I can't imagine them doing a lot of the stuff we did back then. At least not in the same way.
Also I hate seeing my parents age. It was fine until their early 60s, they were also still very healthy and energetic in their 50s. But now I am often reminded that our time together is limited. I would have hated to deal with that as a child or teenager.
I know it's very possible for a child to have a happy life with an older parent, possibly happier than many other children. But I personally would hate to have one and think it's a bit selfish to consciously choose it.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Believe me it sucks from the other side as well. It’s bad enough that I have white hair but I also can no longer be “the guy”. I may no longer be up for the hike, the sport, the long drive. My knees are bad enough so it’s difficult to get on the ground to play. I stiffen up in a long video game session. It’s much harder to find the energy.
My kids grew up just in time. But my littlest one got up at dawn today, hiked up a mountain and sent back picture of his university as a faint dot in the distance. That used to be me, and I hope I’m part of his inspiration but can no longer join him.
This summer for the first time I took a hike that was too much. We hadn’t planned for the heat or sufficient water. It’s bad enough that I had to sit and send him for the car, but that bastard was perfectly fine so he ran the remaining two miles to the car. Since then he’s been overly worried about me. I’m supposed to be the one worried about him
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IMO, you shouldn't have a child if the thought/feel behind it is "I'm genuinely happy with or without them" regardless. It's worse than being with someone and thinking "I'm genuinely happy with or without them", because that person can get another partner but you can't get a new mom...
I don't really agree. My mom has pretty much told me she felt similar before having children. She would have been fine not having any. But she's still a great mom who loves me and my siblings a lot and never regretted having us. I never felt rejected or unloved because of it.
People shouldn't have children if they don't want to have any but to me that's not the same as being fine with both. -
Also I hate seeing my parents age.
It’s a weird feeling when you look at them and recognize them looking like your grandparents for the first time.
I don't really have many memory of my grandparents. One of my grandfathers I never met because he too was an old father and died years before I was born. My other grandparents died rather young when I was still little. All of this likely adds to my bias.
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I don't really agree. My mom has pretty much told me she felt similar before having children. She would have been fine not having any. But she's still a great mom who loves me and my siblings a lot and never regretted having us. I never felt rejected or unloved because of it.
People shouldn't have children if they don't want to have any but to me that's not the same as being fine with both.Well, I guess people change their minds after big things happen, and I assume that, more than "not regretting" having children, what she/you meant was "changed her whole life for the better and gave her life much more meaning", right? Else, idk, I personally wouldn't be happy with having such a dispassionate parent, and just "not feeling rejected or unloved", but being deeply appreciated and loved! But maybe I'm too sensitive and my Latino heart can only conceive "proper parenthood" being one way (although I assume most of the global South would agree with my feelings about it). And yeah, it's not the same and having children while really not wanting any is insane, but being a parent shouldn't be something you're just "meh" about (again, maybe it's a cultural difference).
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The flip side of that is the 51 year old will have the time patience and resources to give the child a great upbringing.
Almost 50, I could not imagine exerting the effort it took to get my now teenage sons parented properly.
It takes so much time, energy and patience and you dont really get more of those as you age.
Then the kid has to explain their old dad to friends and tell everyone that he is not the grampa.
Old dad also won't necessarily have a lot in common with other parents that are 20 years younger, so those interactions will be very odd.
Old dad ain't gonna be able to keep up at the amusement park or zoo. He isn't going to want to sleep in a tent because his back hurts and he has to piss four times a night. Even if he can, it won't be pleasant.
I am watching my in laws do this, they started at 40. It does not look fun and neither of them will play with the kids much. Little kids need active play, they need to be chased, wrestled with, tickled and tossed in the air. My in laws just keep telling their hyper daughter to just chill out all the time. It doesn't work and she is perpetually frustrated.
Tl,dr y'all too old.
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Well, I guess people change their minds after big things happen, and I assume that, more than "not regretting" having children, what she/you meant was "changed her whole life for the better and gave her life much more meaning", right? Else, idk, I personally wouldn't be happy with having such a dispassionate parent, and just "not feeling rejected or unloved", but being deeply appreciated and loved! But maybe I'm too sensitive and my Latino heart can only conceive "proper parenthood" being one way (although I assume most of the global South would agree with my feelings about it). And yeah, it's not the same and having children while really not wanting any is insane, but being a parent shouldn't be something you're just "meh" about (again, maybe it's a cultural difference).
Yeah, that's what I meant. I always felt appreciated, deeply loved and supported.
I suspect we might not actually disagree but just have a different way of expressing what we mean, since we apparently come from different cultural backgrounds. I'm from Germany and I'm told the way we talk about our feelings can sometimes seem dispassionate and cold to others.
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
Forget 'if you're this old your kid is this old'. Older men produce subpar sperm that can cause birth defects, pre-eclampsia and premature birth. It's not just dangerous for the child but for the mother too.
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For women there are finite age limitations on giving birth.
When adopting top end is age 60.
With that said, I am pretty much 60, and I have raised a kid, I couldn’t imagine dealing with that shit again.
I loved my kid, Trust me when I tell you raising a kid is so fucking overrated.
On the 27-year-old son issue that won’t mean nothing that basically mean the 27 rule will act as an uncle for the child.
For men there are age limitations too. He's more likely to produce a child with birth defects and the mother is more likely to suffer from pre-eclampsia and give birth too early. Older fathers are just as much a liability as older mothers.
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Yeah, that's what I meant. I always felt appreciated, deeply loved and supported.
I suspect we might not actually disagree but just have a different way of expressing what we mean, since we apparently come from different cultural backgrounds. I'm from Germany and I'm told the way we talk about our feelings can sometimes seem dispassionate and cold to others.
wrote last edited by [email protected]It seems like it and, in that case, fantastic, lol. Maybe I was too quick to judge and a little bit silly and the lady in OP might also become a wonderful mom like the one you had, she just hasn't been one yet!
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If you're expected to die before your kid turns 30-35, you're too old.
So if life expectancy of your husband (factoring in your genetics and family medical history) is, say 81 or older, then sure, go ahead.
As for your age (maternal age), it generally should not be older than 40, and optimally younder then 35, so you're at the right age. (Because older women tend to have children with developmental issues, biologically speaking)
He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
Um yea this is not optimal... my older brother is only like 5 years older and we already have a lot of problems.
I have a gap with my sibling of about 9 years apart. We get along fine
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Since you said in my opinion, any age. Kids suck. Lets just die off as a species
The other species aren't great either, though. If we're doing omnicide we've got to be thorough!
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The childrens' age gap seems like a non-issue to me. Older brother would just take on a sort of uncle role. I know several people with large gaps in their siblings ages, and while they don't have the traditional sibling bond, they don't harbor any ill will towards their siblings either.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Yeah, a 5-10 year gap might be the biggest danger zone. Too far to play together, too close to not both be "the kids". And then it varies just by what kind of people they both turn out to be.
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
wrote last edited by [email protected]A lot of this is cultural. What a parent should be able to do, what a "normal" family looks like and so on. I feel like it would be good to ask kids of older parents instead, because at the end of the day their experience is what matters. I suspect that they'd say growing up with an old dad was fine.
As for stuff about medical risk to the kid, it's always there. Ditto for the comments about risk of their life sucking. How much risk is too much risk is the real question.
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
Today.
Today is too old to doom another poor bastard.
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
Eh. My parents are really old and im youngish. It kind of sucks. I wouldn't do it
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
We have friends with a similar age gap, she is I think 36 and he is 56 now. Their son is 3.5. He also has grown up kids not much younger than his wife. The kid was planned.
It's hard and he is passing on having another child for age reasons (see below), but their son is great and none of them regret the decision. The dad's back and knee are bad, so running after their Duracell powered son who looks like Finn from Adventure Time (that hair! Dude is set for life, he'll make bank as a hair modell) can get difficult. But they manage and are active and a very cute and happy family. Having a kid is always hard and stressful, unless you are a tiktok influencer, then it is the easiest thing you've done because it comes so naturally to you /s
As for it "feeling strange": from my own life experience, things only feel strange if you allow them to feel strange. Everything can be awkward and weird and strange and whatever, or you just decide this is your life and only you get to decide what is and what is not strange.
As for my friends, I think nothing about anything in their life feels weird. She literally lived with her now husband and his son for a while. It was fine. His kids are cool with the younger sibling. They get to choose what is normal. They chose that this is. Their family is. This is their family and their normality.
To add: Having two little kids vs one little kid is a whole different level. He has first hand experience in that, so I don't think not wanting another kid means he regrets it. Not at all. I think he just realizes that this would be not double as hard but quadruple as hard and he won't be able to do that. My husband is 35 and cannot imagine having a second child for similar reasons. He just doesn't have the energy level for another small being - and it will be more than double the energy required, while he couldn't give an extra 50% even if he wanted to.
So the question is really, how do you feel about it? Do you two have some energy left? Are you ok with taking on the majority of the physical work? Even if your partner is doing fine physically now, he might decline sooner than you think, unexpectedly.
I might add, bluntly: you have already decided that it is ok for you that the likely (if not ideal) outcome of your relationship is that your husband dies much before you. You will likely be a young widow. It might also be that he lives to 100 and you die in a freak accident after reading this. I'm not telling you anything new here. This is just to remind you of your choice and your thoughts on this when you decided to commit to each other. Because a lot of people point out that your kid might not have a dad for long. (Which, yeah, other people lose their parents at a young age too, but having it be more likely is another thing, although, does this mean sick/disabled people with a shortened life span should not have kids either, and then we are in eugenics territory or the antinatalists chime in.)
Anyway, I'll get a lot of hate in the comments (honestly taking this question to lemmy where a lot of antinatalists are hanging out is crazy) but in my opinion - which must be totally valuable to you lol - I'd go for it. Even if it is hard and you reach your limits, this is such a short time of intense chaos in your life. And then you'll have a kid. You'll have experienced this crazy thing. And love and support don't care for your age. Hugs and kisses are just as heartfelt. Your kid will be just as much of their own person, no matter what age their parents were. We all don't have a perfect family. But as I mentioned above, normal is what you define is normal. And a perfect and ideal family is whatever you decide it is.
Thank you for reading all of this.
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
Have the kid if you both feel you want it. As an older father your husband will have qualities that a younger man wouldn’t have.
Only factors that count are the health of both of you and if you will care for and love the child.
The latter you both know already, ask yourselves. The latter can be easily checked by a health professional.
Go ahead and do something beautiful.
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
I never really wanted them anyway. But now, at 49, There's no way in hell I'm raising a child. My S.O. has two adult kids, the youngest of which just graduated from highschool. And I didn't come into their lives until they were already teenagers and that is perfect. I can offer them "fatherly" advice if they ask, and their mom and I can go out and actually have a life without planning around babysitters a week in advance.
